Integral Parenting

My close friend Patrick Bryson recently gave a pioneering presentation at the June salon of the London Integral Circle on the topic of Integral Parenting. What follows is the post I put together on the groups Yahoo forum summarsing the flow of his talk;

An engaging evening devoted to Integral Parenting was enjoyed by the group in Hampstead last Wednesday evening

Patrick Bryson took us on a brief but intriguing journey into what integral parenting might look like. Not claiming to be an expert in integral theory, Patrick presented several examples of integral interventions he made whilst raising his fourteen-year-old daughter. These actions revealed the potential of adopting a conscious and integral approach to parenting, which he believed was allowing his daughter to find and experience an authentic identity, independent of the hypnotic pull of her peers and the prevailing materialistic culture. In relating to the topic of ‘Why parenting is already an integral issue’, Patrick put forward to the group that parenting was already an integral issue because the level of the parent’s consciousness was automatically the level of consciousness adopted by the child.

Patrick was insistent that the key factor in promoting his daughter’s welfare was his work with other students of Andrew Cohen on developing a new reference point for the self within the intersubjective, as guided and informed by his teacher Cohen. This equipped him to step back from some of his conditioned parenting impulses and be sensitive to critical moments in his daughter’s development. The focus of Cohen and Wilber and that of Spiral Dynamics on the stages of individual and cultural growth had been extremely useful in understanding and responding to his daughter’s experience.

One particularly mind-blowing event occurred when his daughter was around the age of seven and began asking profound and meaningful questions about life. They had been walking through some beautiful parkland when they spotted a deer. His daughter asked the question ‘Where did the first deer come from?’ and Patrick was able to answer her by explaining the deep time cosmological development of human consciousness in terms she understood. Furthermore, he witnessed her awaken to her own experience of the evolution of the universe within her own consciousness as they spoke! The consequences of this event are still unfolding today as she moves toward adulthood. These naturally occurring deep questions are frequently dismissed or ignored by parents, and the opportunity to develop depth is almost always wasted.

His daughter also went through a period of time during which she had become highly insecure because of intense competition among her peers. It was ‘a battlefield of best friends’. The dynamics of this competition caused her much torment. During this time both her parents did not get too drawn into the day-to-day drama of her suffering but held a larger integral context for her. Slowly, she was able to disentangle herself from these dynamics and discover within herself, a distaste for the unhealthy competition. In doing so, she had made her suffering an object and became disidentified from the causes of her suffering. This was the process, Patrick noted, through which consciousness always evolves. His daughter has now developed a level of autonomy within the peer group and is able to stand her own ground. She can question and challenge behaviours which make her unhappy. In the last few months she is starting to relate to her potential, thinking of the future, making her own plans, and shining in her studies.

Patrick also touched on the simple guidance offered to him by Andrew Cohen related to raising children by teaching them respect and demonstrating that life is positive. On the subject of respect, Patrick also spoke about the postmodern parenting context in which parents are reluctant to exercise their authority with children and, rather, seek friendship and equality with their offspring. The necessity to provide structure and guidance is frequently neglected and leads to scenes of the child-parent insanity we frequently witness in our streets and shops.

A lively back-and-forth discussion ensued. Challenges and responses to the issues raised by integral parenting were explored by the group. It was clear that such an implicating issue provoked deeper and wider engagement in the group than is usually the case!!